When You're Unmosqued & He's Mosqued - Reconciling Matters of Faith Between Spouses
Faith
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Sep 13, 2019
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5 MIN READ
By Layla Abdullah-Poulos
For many Muslims, marriage is a contractual bond between them, their spouse and Allah, making a relationship where they are spiritually-aligned with their partner critical to a healthy union. Consequently, divisions about belief and when (or how to) engage in acts of worship can generate tension.
In my article “Reflections on a Black Iftar,” I opened up about the alienation I experience in my local community because of layers of anti-Blackness and xenophobia. My husband is one of the founders of the Islamic center in our local community and serves as the imam. So, my inability to participate in communal acts of worship like salatul taraweeh during Ramadan or Eid prayers without being subject to microaggressions has not only made me unmosqued, it injects tension into my marriage and family life.
The author with her husband and some of their children.
While my husband’s heart is attached to our local mosque, mine is far from it. I have developed an allergy to attending and subsequent triggers that make me anxious about going. I don’t want to go to any community iftars during Ramadan or Eid prayer. My dubious relationship with this house of Allah and the worshippers who commonly attend not only infuses me with pain, it makes me resentful as he gets to walk out the door, confident that he belongs while I remain alienated.
As I watch him dress in a thobe and hop into the car, I can’t help but sense an impenetrable and immovable wedge between us as wife and husband – partners in Islam. We don’t pray, read the Quran or break fast together like we used to earlier in our 28 years of marriage because he does all of that at the masjid, a pain-ridden space full of people who have sent the clear message that I am not as welcome. So, the community gets the brother – the imam – the shaikh, but a schism remains between us.
We’ve both tried to alleviate the issue of me being unmosqued. He encourages me to go, and I force myself to, praying nothing will happen. Unfortunately, the space is not a safe one for me. We used to argue about it constantly, but I have accepted that there is nothing he can do to shift the mindsets of people or their behavior, and he that I need to preserve my wellbeing by staying away except under specific circumstances – that’s for another article.
Primarily, marriage involves a couple’s decision to share their lives and build a family in its many manifestations. Allah says in the Quran:
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. (Surah Rum 30:21)
Ideally, our spouses provide us with a source of serenity and love. When each commits to the role for the pleasure of their Creator, they offer a refuge for one another in a world loaded with stress and strain. The solace they potentially find serves to invigorate and rejuvenate spiritual and emotional deflation.
Healthy marriages are not completely void of difficulties. During a Haute Hijab video discussion I took part in with other HH team members, all the women on the panel mentioned having to work through problems to maintain strong marriages to bring equilibrium to their relationships. Attaining peace in a marriage takes working through disruptions from issues that may take a long time to resolve and impact each person’s emotional and spiritual wellbeing.
Couples share their autonomous lives. When they have a family and negotiate as an intimate unit, each person is still an individual. Some things remain separated from a spouse while others are enhanced by their presence and involvement, especially worship.
Mutual worship can strengthen a marriage. One study reveals that “people in same-faith relationships and partners who attend services regularly are more satisfied with their relationship.” Conversely, disagreements may disrupt the harmony sought by a couple. One spouse may observe the five daily prayers while it challenges their partner. A spouse may have gone on Hajj, returning with new religious vigor and expectations that their partner feels no different than how they were pre-Hajj. Obstacles to a couple attaining spiritual equilibrium may remain a point of contention that if left unaddressed, will feed unhappiness and dysfunction.
Marital ruptures from differences in Islamic perspectives don't have to be irreparable. Trying to understand each other’s standpoints and experiences can go a long way. Have honest conversations about, and make attempts to connect on an even footing. Think about and ask each other how to best promote the intimate peace Allah talks about in the Quran as well as help one another to grow closer to Him.
Although it still hurts, I have made adjustments to the distance between us coming from my alienation. I focus on appreciating the blessings that come from his dedication to one of Allah’s houses. As a worshipper and leader, there is a greater demand for his presence. His commitment to spreading Islam and encouraging his fellow Muslims to strengthen their connection to their creator is one of the things I love about him. I didn’t want to stifle that, so I became determined to saving myself from the emotional trauma and negative effects of an often toxic Muslim space on my faith while respecting his need to be within it.
We went from arguing to talking. Eventually, we came to the conclusion that the issue would remain unresolved. I will most likely never have the same experience he has in our community, but that didn’t have to continue to damage our relationship. We are at different places when it comes to community life, but our marriage is ours.
We both started respecting that more. He doesn’t allow the masjid to consume every free moment he has and makes sure his family has much of his free time as possible. When I need to connect with him on a spiritual level, I get to just say the word, and he makes himself available. The iPhone goes on silent, and the Imam is off duty.
Leaving the masjid drama outside is not the ideal solution, but we rarely get those in real life. Some Sahabah were enraged with the concessions they had to make at Hudaybiyyah, but they ultimately submitted. That’s what we both had to do, submit to the circumstance and pursue other ways to worship Allah together and love each other.
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